i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
