Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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