I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
