My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize