Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
