What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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