I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
