I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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