Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I did not marry a roomba.
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