everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
