does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize