I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
