when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
