my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
