I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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