walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
