Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
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