I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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