Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i think i have two assholes
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
