After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
