last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
