allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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