I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
