i don't like sucking hair
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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