my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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