nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
