In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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