im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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