Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
