I accidentally burped into my bong.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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