that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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