Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
