the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
