Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize