You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
