Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
