I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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