This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize