a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
