no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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