The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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