took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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