took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
