the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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