There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
