dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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