i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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