She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
