first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
