haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
