Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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