Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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