Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
