please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I want a musical about memes.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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