as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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