it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize