there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
