I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
