I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
