I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So many bounce houses so little time
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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