I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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