Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
