hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
