It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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