Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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