I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
