hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I need moral support for this bender
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
