apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
