farters have to be the big spoon...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
