you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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