He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
