The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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